Bathroom Entourage

Some people wish for bigger houses, nicer cars, more money...I used to be one of those people, before children.  Now, 3 kids deep into my life, I would settle for being able to walk into the bathroom BY MYSELF.
Everytime I need to use the bathroom, the following scenario comes into play with only small variations day to day to distinguish between each bathroom visit.

I enter the bathroom, dogs follow.
Little dog tries to hump big dog, I yell at him, he stops.
I close the door quietly, not wanting to attract the children's attention.
I sit down, I think to myself, "Its so quiet in here."
I smile at my dogs, they smile back at me.
I look at the walls for the first time in months, and realize there are hand prints everywhere;
I make a mental note to clean them when finished, knowing deep down I will never actually do it...EVER.  
I think about decorating...
I begin to...well, you know...   
Children begin fighting.
Somebody bites somebody.
Somebody Shanghai's a toy from somebody.
Somebody begins yelling at somebody because they are being too loud during cartoons.
Somebody realizes I am MIA.
ALL the somebodies begin looking for me...
I hold my breath, I tell the dogs to do the same...they don't...that's when they find us. 
Tiny fists begin pounding against the door.
Somebody throws their weight against the door.
Somebody tries to look through the key hole.
Somebody reaches their tiny hand under the door,
the dogs sniff the hand.
Somebody screams, "MAMA!!
I debate if I should answer...
but I do answer because I am a mom after all.
The oldest child throws the door open,
the two littlest kids fall in landing on the dogs and on my toes.
My toes begin to hurt.
Oldest kid leaves to finish her cartoon now that she has successfully dumped the two screaming somebodies on my doorstep.
Second littlest kid asks me, "what doing?"
The baby tries to climb on my bare lap, which I am trying to keep from happening.
Both kids are trying to to show me the bite marks from their siblings teeth, demanding justice.
I begin doling out judgements from my porcelain throne like King Solomon.
After a few moments of empty threats nothing changes, the littles are still fighting,
 and then snack bribery becomes a valid parenting tool...
Bribery ensures.
I offer a special, "desperate times/desperate measures" non organic snack bribe. 
Kids accept the NON ORGANIC snack bribe.
Kids begin forgiving each other and become best friends per the terms of the NON ORGANIC snack bribe agreement.
Kids finally leave the bathroom.
I sigh again.
Little dog begins humping big dog again.
I yell at little dog again, he stops again.
I finish up my delayed business.
I leave the bathroom nervous and un-relaxed.
I start planning tomorrows bathroom strategy in my head.
Little dog begins humping big dog, I yell at him, he stops.
Now repeat everyday for the next 4 years until youngest child is in kindergarten. 


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