No Sedric, you are not adopted

I had the pleasure of witnessing a humorous interaction between my two Ethiopian born daughters and our African American neighbors the other day.  My husband and I purposely chose to live in the most ethnically diverse district in Portland, OR so our girls wouldn't feel out of place in more Caucasian communities...like the burbs.  The only issue we did not consider when making our exodus from the burbs was our biological son...our very white, German/Irish son.  In our neighborhood, Sedric is the only white boy for miles.  Sedric is vampiric white.  From certain angles, he seems translucent.  His hair is so white, it almost glows in the dark.  Sedric does not know he is white...and he does not know that he IS NOT ADOPTED, OR ETHIOPIAN like his big sisters.
A few weeks ago, while unloading groceries out of our van, the neighbor kids stopped by for the first time since we had moved into the neighborhood.  They looked at me, then looked and Peniel, then Rafe, then Sedric.  I could tell they were trying to put the pieces of our mosaic family together in their heads.  Finally, the oldest boy blurts out, "Are these your kids?"  I smiled and said yes.  Feeling more bold, he asks again (pointing at Peniel and Rafe), "Even these two?" I smiled again and said yes.  Before I could give them a few facts about our family, Peniel, my 5 yr old veteran talker, makes her presence known in the conversation.  She said, "I'm Peniel, I'm Ethiopian and I'm adopted because I'm really special, and my mom really wanted me.  (Pointing to Rafe) That's my sister Rafe, she is from Ethiopia and adopted and special too." Rafe then chimed in with her tiny 2 yr old voice, "yeah!" Then Peniel pointed to Sedric who was standing by her side like her shadow, "This is my brother Sedric, he isn't adopted...HE'S JUST A WHITE BOY."
Sedric is just a white boy...poor kid.  I still don't know how I will tell him when he is older that he isn't Ethiopian or adopted.  It will break his little white boy heart when I have to sit him down and have the "veil tearing" adoption talk with him, and somehow say to him, "No Sedric, you are not adopted." 

On a serious note, this interaction between our girls and the neighbors confirmed to me that both our girls have a very healthy understanding of adoption.  The moment Peniel began to explain to the neighbors her place in our family, my adoptive mom heart sighed a deep sigh of relief.  All the heart to hearts with my girls about adoption, about their adoptions, all the prayers I prayed that God would help their hearts to understand and to not suffer any wounds from my fumbling through the hard conversations, all the times I held them and cried with them through the pain of understanding...all of it was worth it to hear in her voice, that she knows she is loved. That she accepts her story.   I am so glad I never skirted around the conversations, but addressed them as they came up.  It was worth it.

If you are an adoptive parent, don't be afraid of saying the wrong things to your adoptive child when they ask you questions about their story.  Just speak from your heart, your love for them will help you find the right words.  Your child will respond more to the love in your voice and the love in your eyes during those hard conversations than the pain from the words you have to speak to them.  Truth without love brings damage, but TRUTH WITH LOVE HEALS. 


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