I had the pleasure of witnessing a humorous interaction between my two Ethiopian born daughters and our African American neighbors the other day. My husband and I purposely chose to live in the most ethnically diverse district in Portland, OR so our girls wouldn't feel out of place in more Caucasian communities...like the burbs. The only issue we did not consider when making our exodus from the burbs was our biological son...our very white, German/Irish son. In our neighborhood, Sedric is the only white boy for miles. Sedric is vampiric white. From certain angles, he seems translucent. His hair is so white, it almost glows in the dark. Sedric does not know he is white...and he does not know that he IS NOT ADOPTED, OR ETHIOPIAN like his big sisters.
A few weeks ago, while unloading groceries out of our van, the neighbor kids stopped by for the first time since we had moved into the neighborhood. They looked at me, then looked and Peniel, then Rafe, then Sedric. I could tell they were trying to put the pieces of our mosaic family together in their heads. Finally, the oldest boy blurts out, "Are these your kids?" I smiled and said yes. Feeling more bold, he asks again (pointing at Peniel and Rafe), "Even these two?" I smiled again and said yes. Before I could give them a few facts about our family, Peniel, my 5 yr old veteran talker, makes her presence known in the conversation. She said, "I'm Peniel, I'm Ethiopian and I'm adopted because I'm really special, and my mom really wanted me. (Pointing to Rafe) That's my sister Rafe, she is from Ethiopia and adopted and special too." Rafe then chimed in with her tiny 2 yr old voice, "yeah!" Then Peniel pointed to Sedric who was standing by her side like her shadow, "This is my brother Sedric, he isn't adopted...HE'S JUST A WHITE BOY."
Sedric is just a white boy...poor kid. I still don't know how I will tell him when he is older that he isn't Ethiopian or adopted. It will break his little white boy heart when I have to sit him down and have the "veil tearing" adoption talk with him, and somehow say to him, "No Sedric, you are not adopted."
On a serious note, this interaction between our girls and the neighbors confirmed to me that both our girls have a very healthy understanding of adoption. The moment Peniel began to explain to the neighbors her place in our family, my adoptive mom heart sighed a deep sigh of relief. All the heart to hearts with my girls about adoption, about their adoptions, all the prayers I prayed that God would help their hearts to understand and to not suffer any wounds from my fumbling through the hard conversations, all the times I held them and cried with them through the pain of understanding...all of it was worth it to hear in her voice, that she knows she is loved. That she accepts her story. I am so glad I never skirted around the conversations, but addressed them as they came up. It was worth it.
If you are an adoptive parent, don't be afraid of saying the wrong things to your adoptive child when they ask you questions about their story. Just speak from your heart, your love for them will help you find the right words. Your child will respond more to the love in your voice and the love in your eyes during those hard conversations than the pain from the words you have to speak to them. Truth without love brings damage, but TRUTH WITH LOVE HEALS.
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Bathroom Entourage
Some people wish for bigger houses, nicer cars, more money...I used to be one of those people, before children. Now, 3 kids deep into my life, I would settle for being able to walk into the bathroom BY MYSELF.
Everytime I need to use the bathroom, the following scenario comes into play with only small variations day to day to distinguish between each bathroom visit.
I enter the bathroom, dogs follow.
Little dog tries to hump big dog, I yell at him, he stops.
I close the door quietly, not wanting to attract the children's attention.
I sit down, I think to myself, "Its so quiet in here."
I smile at my dogs, they smile back at me.
I look at the walls for the first time in months, and realize there are hand prints everywhere;
I make a mental note to clean them when finished, knowing deep down I will never actually do it...EVER.
I think about decorating...
I begin to...well, you know...
Children begin fighting.
Somebody bites somebody.
Somebody Shanghai's a toy from somebody.
Somebody begins yelling at somebody because they are being too loud during cartoons.
Somebody realizes I am MIA.
ALL the somebodies begin looking for me...
I hold my breath, I tell the dogs to do the same...they don't...that's when they find us.
Tiny fists begin pounding against the door.
Somebody throws their weight against the door.
Somebody tries to look through the key hole.
Somebody reaches their tiny hand under the door,
the dogs sniff the hand.
Somebody screams, "MAMA!!
I debate if I should answer...
but I do answer because I am a mom after all.
The oldest child throws the door open,
the two littlest kids fall in landing on the dogs and on my toes.
My toes begin to hurt.
Oldest kid leaves to finish her cartoon now that she has successfully dumped the two screaming somebodies on my doorstep.
Second littlest kid asks me, "what doing?"
The baby tries to climb on my bare lap, which I am trying to keep from happening.
Both kids are trying to to show me the bite marks from their siblings teeth, demanding justice.
I begin doling out judgements from my porcelain throne like King Solomon.
After a few moments of empty threats nothing changes, the littles are still fighting,
and then snack bribery becomes a valid parenting tool...
Bribery ensures.
I offer a special, "desperate times/desperate measures" non organic snack bribe.
Kids accept the NON ORGANIC snack bribe.
Kids begin forgiving each other and become best friends per the terms of the NON ORGANIC snack bribe agreement.
Kids finally leave the bathroom.
I sigh again.
Little dog begins humping big dog again.
I yell at little dog again, he stops again.
I finish up my delayed business.
I leave the bathroom nervous and un-relaxed.
I start planning tomorrows bathroom strategy in my head.
Little dog begins humping big dog, I yell at him, he stops.
Now repeat everyday for the next 4 years until youngest child is in kindergarten.
If you enjoyed this post, please vote for my blog! Just click the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the upper right...that's all ya gotta do! I truly appreciate it!!
Everytime I need to use the bathroom, the following scenario comes into play with only small variations day to day to distinguish between each bathroom visit.
I enter the bathroom, dogs follow.
Little dog tries to hump big dog, I yell at him, he stops.
I close the door quietly, not wanting to attract the children's attention.
I sit down, I think to myself, "Its so quiet in here."
I smile at my dogs, they smile back at me.
I look at the walls for the first time in months, and realize there are hand prints everywhere;
I make a mental note to clean them when finished, knowing deep down I will never actually do it...EVER.
I think about decorating...
I begin to...well, you know...
Children begin fighting.
Somebody bites somebody.
Somebody Shanghai's a toy from somebody.
Somebody begins yelling at somebody because they are being too loud during cartoons.
Somebody realizes I am MIA.
ALL the somebodies begin looking for me...
I hold my breath, I tell the dogs to do the same...they don't...that's when they find us.
Tiny fists begin pounding against the door.
Somebody throws their weight against the door.
Somebody tries to look through the key hole.
Somebody reaches their tiny hand under the door,
the dogs sniff the hand.
Somebody screams, "MAMA!!
I debate if I should answer...
but I do answer because I am a mom after all.
The oldest child throws the door open,
the two littlest kids fall in landing on the dogs and on my toes.
My toes begin to hurt.
Oldest kid leaves to finish her cartoon now that she has successfully dumped the two screaming somebodies on my doorstep.
Second littlest kid asks me, "what doing?"
The baby tries to climb on my bare lap, which I am trying to keep from happening.
Both kids are trying to to show me the bite marks from their siblings teeth, demanding justice.
I begin doling out judgements from my porcelain throne like King Solomon.
After a few moments of empty threats nothing changes, the littles are still fighting,
and then snack bribery becomes a valid parenting tool...
Bribery ensures.
I offer a special, "desperate times/desperate measures" non organic snack bribe.
Kids accept the NON ORGANIC snack bribe.
Kids begin forgiving each other and become best friends per the terms of the NON ORGANIC snack bribe agreement.
Kids finally leave the bathroom.
I sigh again.
Little dog begins humping big dog again.
I yell at little dog again, he stops again.
I finish up my delayed business.
I leave the bathroom nervous and un-relaxed.
I start planning tomorrows bathroom strategy in my head.
Little dog begins humping big dog, I yell at him, he stops.
Now repeat everyday for the next 4 years until youngest child is in kindergarten.
If you enjoyed this post, please vote for my blog! Just click the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the upper right...that's all ya gotta do! I truly appreciate it!!
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