It got away from me

I will start this post off with my husbands advice to me today before leaving for work...I was contemplating finishing painting Rafe and Sedric's rooms out loud.  Jack interrupted my A.D.D. multitasking "we just moved into a new house, so I need to decorate" train of thought with this little nugget, "If I were you, I wouldn't do ANYTHING that is gonna increase your stress or make it harder to manage the kids today..."  I filed it away under: NOT GONNA HAPPEN.   I had too much to get done, AND I needed to workout...I smiled, nodded, then shoved him out the door for work.  As soon as he pulled out of the driveway, operation, PERSONAL AGENDA was instated.  I put my workout clothes on naively thinking it meant I would actually workout.  I began barking out orders to the kids about picking up their toys, stop fighting, lower your voice, don't jump off the couch, STOP, STOP, STOP,  yadda, yadda, yadda, etc, etc, etc...you get the picture.  I told them to go play.  They would come into the kitchen to see what I was doing, GO PLAY.  They would ask me to play with them.  NO, GO PLAY.  They would need help with something.  GIVE ME A SEC, I would say.  I decided to tackle internet issues...I decided to tackle cell phone issues, we barely have reception in our new house.  I decided to catch up with friends through text, so my phone was lit up.  I was Pinteresting like mad!  I decided to decorate Peniel's room.  I was half way through a Pinterest project when my son rebelled.  I had shewed him away one too many times...he snapped... I had activated the secret code for meltdown...5...4...3...2...1...MISTAKE.  He threw a fit about everything.  I refused to stop my march toward DIY insanity.  At nap time, between maddening attempts at cutting shapes out of fabric with dull scissors, I chased Sedric up the stairs every 3 minutes whisper yelling at him to stay in his room.  He chased me back down in a fit of defiance.  2 hours of this...I told him no dessert for boys who don't obey.  He didn't care.  I told him no golf clubs for boys who don't obey.  He didn't care.  I told him no cartoons for boys who don't obey.  He didn't care.  I told him no dump trucks for boys who don't obey.  HE DIDN'T CARE.  I had nothing left to leverage, nothing left to take away from him...he had no intention of giving in, he was in it to win it and I still had too many projects going, I didn't want to quit either.  Somewhere in my head, my husband's advice was circling looking for a place to land, but I wasn't ready to clear the landing strip, I wanted my day, my way...I pressed on painting, cutting fabric, cleaning windows, and organizing non essentials.  I was stressed.  Upset.  Unhappy.  Mean.  Sweating, and way too stubborn for a mom of 4 kids.  My day, my way bit me and left a mark.  The day dragged on tediously.  I finally hit my limit while sitting on the floor changing the baby.  It was an hour til dinner.  I had nothing to make.  I had paint under my nails, something sticky stuck to my hair.  Sedric was complaining dinner was taking too long, Peniel was wanting to show me her story she wrote, Rafe was calling for me to help her get her princess dress on, and the baby just wanted me to look at her...I wanted to cry, but I didn't...I looked at the baby, she looked up at me giggling and garnished with spit up...I smiled at her, made a few silly faces, she laughed..that's when it hit me...I LOVE BEING A MOM...so what was I doing?!  Barking orders.  Agendas.  Ultimatums.  Anger.  This wasn't me.  I love playing with my kids, listening to their stories, helping them do dress up, letting them help with projects...I love being happy and nice...today got away from me.  It happens.  It's horrible when it happens, but it happens.  I have a mountain of excuses I can use to justify today, but I'm not going to.  There is no formula for parenting.  No manual.  No advice line.  No frequently asked questions page...some days, it all comes together, some days it all falls apart, and today, it fell apart.  I am glad today is just about over.  I'm glad I redeemed this FALL APART DAY as I hugged and kissed my kids before bed and told them I love them.  I'm glad they hugged me back.  I glad tomorrow is a fresh new day...no projects planned for tomorrow.  Tomorrow, my workout won't happen conventionally, my projects will go untouched or slightly less organized cuz little hands will be helping, my house will be messy, but my kids will be happy and that makes my heart full.